Lahat siguradong nagbago, maliban sa isa.

AKO.

Ako na hanggang ngayon, pilit hinahanap ang kabuuan ng sarili sa mga letrang pinagtutugma, mga ideyang himuhulma, mga mithing sa puso hinihimpil. Ako na patuloy hinihimok ang hamon ni buhay, ang hinagpis ni kalbaryo at pait ni pag-ibig. At ang ako rin na naniniwala na ang hamon ng buhay, kalbaryo at pag-ibig ay kailangan upang maging tunay na maligaya.

Ako ay ang sarili kong kabalintunaan.

Muli akong lilipad mula sa matagal na pagkahimlay.

Anonymity lang naman ang rason kung bakit ito nabuo. Ang pakiramdam na malaya mong maisusulat ang nais mo, maaring ang hindi mo rin nais, na hindi makakaapekto sa tunay na mundong iyong ginagalawan. Kung bakit sa mahigit isang taong pagsusulat ay wala akong binahagian ng blog, anonymity ang dahilan.

Isang maliit na puwang para makahinga. Isang munting pagkakataon upang bumulong.

Wala na.

Mga kurokurong humihingi ng munting pansin sa mga dapat sana ay hindi kilala na tulad ng paroparo na nais dumapo sa teritoryong hindi tanto. Tulad din pala ng paroparo, ang blog ko, araw lang din ang bibilangin ay huhupa at titigil din sa paglipad.

Pero parang ang tanga ko lang din. Aminin mo, naisip mo yan. Kabalintunaan na ang pagboblog ang napili kong susi upang manatiling kubli sa mata ng mundo. Pero sa kawalan ko ng lakas na ihinga ang mga nasasaisip, kailangan kong huminga sa ibang paraan at malaman lang na sa kabilang ibayo may isang babasa na walang titingnan kundi ang mga letra at salitang nasa pahina ko. Wala nang iba.

Dapat kasi talaga wala naman dapat makaalam nito maliban sa mga iilang hindi ko rin kilala, pero huli na. Nabunyag na.

Let me start with that new year’s resolution. Nope, hindi kasama sa resolution ko ang sipagin na sa pag-bablog. (Sorry mahal kong blog pero mukhang mangangayayat ka na naman sa kakulangan ng entries… =( )  Of course, sa abot ng aking makakaya ay mag-iiwan pa rin ako ng ilang kurokuro ko, but I’m not yet determined enough to make it a habit.

Mula noong kamakalawa ay nagdesisyon akong gawing isang libangan ang pagbabasa ng libro. Nalulungkot kasi ako nang kamakailan lang ay tinanong ako ng isang malapit na kaibigan kung anong libro na ang binabasa ko nung mga panahong iyon. Isang mahaba at nakabibinging katahimikan lamang ang aking naisagot. At noon ko narealize na ilang buwan na mula noon nang huli akong humawak ng libro upang namnamin at pagmunian.

Aha moment. Marami akong libro kung tutuusin. Kakapadagdag ko nga lang ng shelf para paglagakan ng aking book collection, pero ilan nga ba doon ang nabasa at natapos ko na? Kalahati. Sige na nga, higit pa sa kalahati ng kabuuang bilang ng mga libro ko ang aking nabasa–isang malungkot na katotohanan.

Book hoarder ako kung maituturing. Hindi man kalakihan ang aking kwarto pero tiyak na mamangha ka naman sa dami ng librong nakalagak dito. Mula noong elementary (mga encyclopedia at general knowledge books), high school at college (mga nobelang pangbook report at ilang text books) hanggang sa mga inspirational at business books na naipon ko ngayong nagtatrabaho na ako, lahat wala akong tinatapon. Kumpleto din ako sa atlas at diksyunaryo (thesaurus, english, filipino, french, spelling-grammar usage). Mayroong mga compilation ng  mga tula, maiikling sanaysay at kwento, isama na rin ang  kung ilang recipe books at “how-to” books. Kulang na lang ay i-catalog ko ang mga libro ko, pero hindi pa sila ganun karami para kailanganin noon. With my OC-ness naka-arrange sila according to subject and according to height (Ayaw ko kasi na salisaliwa sila sa shelf).  Tulad nga ng nabangggit ko, kamakailan ay nagdagdag ako ng shelf para sa mga nobela at short story books dahil wala na talaga akong paglagyan sa kanila kundi sa sahig. At ang target ko ay mabasa ang lahat ng nakalagay sa bago kong shelf sa loob ng buong taon, kasabay na rin ng hindi ko pagbili ng panibagong libro hanggang mabasa ko ang huling pahina sa huling libro ng aking koleksyon.

Nakapagsilmula na ako sa pagbabagong buhay kong ito at sinimulan at natapos ko na ang unang libro para sa taong ito– Twisted 81/2 ni Jessica Zafra.  Sinusundan ko na ngayon ito ng isa pang naunang Twisted.

Hmmm… (napaisip)

Ngayon ko lang naisip na pwede ko palang gawan ng book review ang bawat librong mababasa ko para naman may lamanin naman ang blog ko for 2010. Oo nga naman! (Another Aha moment)

Sige, sige. Isisingit ko na rin sa resolution ko ang magsulat ng review para na rin masimulan ko na ang pundasyon ng dati kong idea na gumawa ng critic blog (ang plano ko talaga ay gumawa ng food blog). At least sisimulan ko nang hasain ang sarili sa paglalathala ng opinyon.

I think I’m going to have intersting year with my hope to revive my reading and writing life on the line. There’s only one way to find out if my resolution has become a success or not. That is to see what I shall be writing on this blog on January 2011!=)

In these times of tribulation, we need to take all possible precaution to be safe, lest to keep living. Those people who are just SELFISH to do nothing but to complain about the pettiest things around their comfortable lives, and see the anxiousness of others as just a mere over-reacting stint, should just keep their mouth shut. We don’t need complacent people specially now that lives were lost, homes were destroyed, and hopes vanished.

Such losers.

If by over-reacting we can better prepare ourselves and be saved, then let’s all over-react people!

It was supposed to be a typical event day for us, a wedding reception on a Saturday. I woke at 4am and I jumped at work right ahead. The first batch of my staff going to the venue at Mt. Carmel, QC left the house at 6am. I was scheduled to leave with the food and the rest of my staff at around 9:30, and as scheduled we head off to the wedding. We were unsuspected of what Ondoy’s pitch for the day was really about.

Going to the venue we first felt the day’s gravity when it took us a complete hour just to get out Pasig. We were supposed to take C5 but after seeing the long line of vehicles at the Bagong Ilog fly over, we decided to take Pasig Blvd instead. As my driver would put it, Ortigas – Greenhills was supposed to be the easiest way to reach Broadway, but as we trek along San Juan, in my mind it was really nothing but easy. It took us 2.5 hours get out of the traffic and the heavy floods. My poor driver had to brave himself everytime he pushed the van to get through gushing waters.

We arrived at the reception almost 45mins late. (The wedding was also delayed since the groom arrived 30mins late. Even the groom’s father was stuck on traffic and missed his fave son’s wedding) The program already started and even though I was drenched from dashing through the parking lot and I so looked like hell, I never bothered. I just wanted the food to be ready for the hungry guests and the worried newly-weds so I was almost on top of my voice as I gave instructions to my staff. Only about half arrived of the 240 expected guests. They were able to eat at exactly 1pm.

I thought the worst was over.

My captain waiter went to me and said if he could borrow my phone. He needed to call home since his wife and his two daughters, still toddlers, were battling through knee-deep waters already inside their house—which is by the way just a few blocks from ours. Another staff reported that his wife had been calling him up to tell that his in-laws’ house was flooded through the roof. One after another, almost all of my staff conveyed that floods reached the inside of their houses. I called up mom, worried since my staff and I are at the very same community. True enough I caught up with mom trying to dry up the water inside the house all by herself.

The worst wasn’t over yet.

Right after the wedding reception, I was able to talk to my clients. It was a consolation that the couple was still happy (inlove, *sigh*) even though things were not as good as they planned. Guests were stuck at the reception, all entry points at the Broadway-Cubao area was flooded. The priest in charge of the parish had to announce that we had to clear off the reception area since they were going to use it to evacuate the community around the church.

I was crushed seeing the kids and babies soaked in rain water. Their innocence was the only thing that’s keeping them from distress. I saw mothers crying and fathers trying to keep their families safe. It was such an unbearable sight.

The only thing we could do to help was to offer the Parish a big pot of left over soup and another pot of rice since our client already brought with them most of the leftovers.

Right after we packed our equipment, my staff and I hurried home. We were all anxious to get to our own families. The only relief that we had was that we were able to reach Pasig in just a few minutes since the streets were already cleared of traffic. The almost 4-hour travel to the reception went down to 20 minutes. Along our way we saw people crossing though chest deep floods. Only the roofs of lineup vehicles were the visible signs that flood waters washed out some street.

We reached our house. My mom and dad (who got home later in the afternoon) were able to put out all the flood waters in our house. My brother was stranded in some hotel lobby in Manila, while my Aunt had quite an adventure herself since she had a myriad of things she did just to get home from Cavite.

My mom told me that some of our relatives and friends are now in trouble. Our relatives in Cainta whom we gave our beloved Potch (our fave dog) and Inipit (one of our kitties) to had to evacuate their house, and until now we don’t have the strength to ask them how the pets were since we know that they lock them in cages. =.( Although of course we are relieved already that nothing bad happed to my ninang, pinsan and inaanak. (They told us that the thing that they were only to save was a bottle of milk for Igi Boy)

I’m now down to the last 15% of my battery and this ought to shut any minute.

I hope for the better. I hope everybody’s safe.

I hope.

(September 27, 2am)

The original plan is to enrol at Firness First but after careful and thorough consideration, I decided to enrol at another gym. According to my research, this gym offers a very scientific progam, and has complete and well-maintained facilities. I’m actually paranoid about err.. germs..  hehe. Having seen the gym facility of my so-called University back then, I remember not going back after discovering that it was a breeding ground for rust and who-knows-what ( I don’t even want to know!). 

I won’t go into detailing where I would be working out. (baka may nakaenrol din doon na makabasa at mabisto ako! *belat*)

The gym haven’t took my initial health assessment, but I’m already expecting that they’ll rank me as obese after years of keeping my peace with glutonny. I hope to be on a healthy scale before the year ends.

Keeping my fingers crossed!

Ayoko pang sumahin ang nararamdaman.

Ayoko pa.

Kung saan man ito patungo ngayon
Gusto kong ilagay sa tama ang lahat.

Muli akong nababalot ng takot at agam-agam.
Sabay ng kakaibang tuwa at lukso sa aking dibdib.

Kung para sa atin ang pagkakataon,
O kung isa lang itong napipintong kabiguan.

Hindi ko alam.